


Who The Hell Is Jordie?

by Athenowl



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depictions of pneumonia, Gen, Kaz gets lung fever, Kaz thinks Matthias is Jordie, Matthias Helvar Lives, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26016586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athenowl/pseuds/Athenowl
Summary: "Kaz Brekker does not get sick.Sickness is the touch of demons, and demons do not attack one of their own, especially one who carries out their work so well. A month after the disastrous auction of the young Shu boy that resulted in a well-known Councilman losing his mind (and worse, his money), the plaguelike mold that infected a chain of pleasure houses and gambling dens remained at the front of Ketterdam’s thoughts.By virtue of his reputation, nobody paid much attention when Dirtyhands began wandering about with a runny nose and a sore throat. Nobody, that is, but his Wraith."Day 1: Labored breathing and harsh coughingDay 2: Exhaustion, body achesDay 3: Shaking, followed by feverDay 4: Delirium beginsDay 5: Jordie returns; Nina regrets tailoring Matthias to have brown hair and brown eyes
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, Matthias Helvar/Nina Zenik
Comments: 5
Kudos: 147





	Who The Hell Is Jordie?

Kaz Brekker does not get sick.

Sickness is the touch of demons, and demons do not attack one of their own, especially one who carries out their work so well. A month after the disastrous auction of the young Shu boy that resulted in a well-known Councilman losing his mind (and worse, his money), the plaguelike mold that infected a chain of pleasure houses and gambling dens remained at the front of Ketterdam’s thoughts.

By virtue of his reputation, nobody paid much attention when Dirtyhands began wandering about with a runny nose and a sore throat. Nobody, that is, but his Wraith.

Inej’s tiny room at the Slat was almost directly beneath Kaz’s office, so obviously she noticed when he began sniffling more and going to bed at a decent hour, instead of staying up all night with paperwork. She heard the cranky grumbling when he rolled out of bed. She saw his uneven gait from the body aches, no different than his regular limp except to those who knew where to look. At first, she thought it was a mere cold that would be gone within a few days.

Two days after she first saw the uncharacteristic hitch with each step, the coughing began. They came from a deep place in his chest: horrible, hacking things that made Inej wince with phantom pain when they drifted through the floorboards. She knew lung fever when she heard it, but there was no way Kaz would take a few days of rest unless Inej tied him down; _knowing Kaz_ , she thought bitterly, _he’ll pass out on the stairs and break his neck before admitting anything._

Kaz’s breaths were more labored and his skin blossomed with sickly redness when she visited him next, perching on the windowsill as he hunched over his desk. “I wonder how Matthias is doing.”

“Why don’t you go find out?” Kaz answered without looking up. His face twisted suddenly and he took a deep breath—Inej mentally rolled her eyes at his poor attempt to hold in a cough. His voice pitched up as he glanced at her. “I’m sure Nina would be happy to see you.”

“She’d be happy to see you, too. You get along strangely, like siblings.”

Kaz actually snorted at that. “We’re both strange people.”

“I really think we should visit the others together. It would save travel time and cost—”

“What’s this really about, Wraith?” Kaz set his pen down and cocked one eyebrow. “You’re terrible at hiding things.”

 _Liar. You keep me around because I’m_ excellent _at hiding things_. Inej tapped the side of his desk with one foot. “I’m worried about Matthias and Nina. The bullet came out easily enough, but Nina’s not trained as a healer and she’ll make herself sick looking after him all the time. Wylan and Jes are too busy sorting out Van Eck’s nonsense to hound her about sleeping.”

“So go and visit them.” Kaz waved his hand around in exasperation. “I can’t keep you here without serious effort, and I don’t particularly want to, either.” He stifled another cough and a faint shiver ran down his back.

“Nina won’t listen to me alone. You’re the only one who can bully her into eating and sleeping once in a while.” Kaz cast her a skeptical look. “Come with me. We’ll only be gone for one night.”

“…one _evening_.”

“Thank you, Kaz.” Internally, Inej was cartwheeling for joy, but externally she settled for a quiet smile. The blotchy redness spread up the back of Kaz’s neck as he turned back to his papers and she frowned—he really was getting sicker.

The next night, Inej was deeply grateful that Kaz had agreed to come. His hands had begun trembling almost imperceptibly and he had wrapped his thickest scarf around his neck in spite of the warm spring weather. On anyone else, these would have been mild warning signs; on Kaz Brekker, he may as well have dropped dead on the spot.

The mansion was alive with light and laughter as their little boat approached it from the canal, the direct opposite of the soft silence that only Inej and Kaz could generate. Kaz drew in a sharp breath behind her as a cool breeze blew past—his version of a shiver. Inej knocked politely and heard thundering footsteps in the hall, smiling to herself; she had missed Jesper’s boundless enthusiasm.

“Inej!” He nearly bowled her over with the force of his embrace and she returned it with a laugh. “Guys, Inej and Kaz are at the door!”

More footsteps echoed down and Nina skidded around the corner, shrieking with excitement when she saw Inej. They met in the middle and Inej melted into the classic Nina Zenik hug. It had been nearly a month since they had last met up, and already Nina was building up the softness that she had lost from taking _parem_. “We missed you so much! I was wondering when you were coming to visit me.”

“Good to see you too, Zenik,” Kaz said from the doorway. His tone was dry, but Inej could hear the touch of affection lingering beneath. Maybe being sicker than death made him more open?

“Oh, we’re using last names now?” Nina arched her brows. “Alright then, Brekker. You’ve lost toffee privileges.”

“I’m crushed.”

Inej linked her arm with Nina’s as they headed toward the kitchen. “How’s Matthias?”

“I’m well, Wraith.” Matthias stood up as they came through the door, wincing as his side pulled. Jesper had done an incredible job removing the bullet, but the wound was only a few weeks old. “I appreciate your concern.”

Inej tipped her head to him with a smile. She liked Matthias: they were so different, and yet so similar. Plus, he made Nina happy, which was the ultimate test of character. Someone had wrapped his tightly in a thick blanket that didn’t entirely shield the large bandage around his torso when he moved. It was hard to forget the sight of him bleeding out on the cobblestones with his injury so apparent. “You look different.”

Matthias touched his hair self-consciously. It was a warm brown now, almost the same as his new eye color. “Nina and I agreed that I would stand out too much without a disguise until everything calms down. Once the Fjerdans are all out of the city, she’ll make me normal again.”

“I don’t know, I’ve always liked brunets.” Nina tapped him on the nose and laughed at Matthias’ stricken expression. “Don’t worry, I can’t call you a big blond lump if you’re not blond, can I?”

“Inej? Kaz?” Wylan’s confused voice blessedly ended the blatant flirting as he came downstairs. “You’re here! Is something wrong?” His expression went from joy to concern in the blink of an eye.

“No, merchling, our Wraith was worried about Matthias,” Kaz said. “Which reminds me: Nina, when was the last time you slept? You look halfway to the Reaper’s Barge.”

“I will be buried in a lovely country field, for your information,” Nina said primly. Her eyes gleamed with amusement, as they always did when Kaz challenged her. “And I could ask you the same.”

Kaz started to respond, but his chest hitched and his nose scrunched before he could get a word out. Were it not for the thinly-veiled panic on his face, Inej would have thought he was trying to stifle a sneeze. He struggled to take in a breath and coughed _hard_.

“Kaz?” Nina’s playful tone was gone as Kaz began outright wheezing between hacks, as if he were trying to dislodge something in his lungs. By the severity, he may have been trying to dislodge the lung altogether.

Inej saw him falter and moved in one smooth motion, bowing under Kaz’s dead weight as he dropped unconscious.

\--------------------------

Needless to say, they stayed the night at the Van Eck mansion. Kaz was only out for a few seconds, but even he knew it was a bad idea to walk through the Barrel when he could pass out any second. Weakness would be exploited at the first chance, especially for Kaz.

Inej and Jesper followed him down the hall to the guest bedroom and tried to make it seem like they were just keeping him company. They waited outside while he changed into pajamas, flinching with every cough and sniffle from within. “He’ll be alright,” Jesper assured her with a forced smile as she glanced back at the door. Kaz had never been sick before, not like this. “It’s Kaz. By tomorrow morning, he’ll be bossing us around like the good old days.”

“I know.” Inej couldn’t even convince herself.

“You two know I can hear you, right?” Kaz rasped from the guest bedroom.

“We were counting on it!” Jesper called back.

Kaz was not bossing them around in the morning. He could barely even get out of bed, not even for meals.

The shaking started on the third day, followed by the fever. Inej never left his bedside, sitting cross-legged on a small chair as the others came in and out.

“ ‘m cold, Inej,” Kaz mumbled at one point. His skin was blotched with gray and red and his lips were turning faintly purple. His whole body shook with chills every few minutes, even thought Inej could feel the heat radiating off his skin through the cool cloths she placed on his forehead.

“I know, Kaz,” she said gently, dabbing at the trickle of water on his temple. “I can’t give you any more blankets, though. I’m going to get some more water, okay?”

“Wait.” His voice was the strongest it had been since he collapsed and Inej stopped moving, halfway out of her chair. “Don’t go.”

She hesitated, but settled back in. “Nina?” Kaz winced at the volume of her voice. “Sorry.”

Nina hurried in, worry etched on her brow. “What’s wrong? Is he alright?”

“ ‘s that Nina?” Kaz blinked slowly and narrowed his eyes. “I’m _not_ sick.”

Nina threw her hands up in exasperation. “Leave it to Kaz Brekker to have lung fever and claim he’s healthy as a horse.”

Kaz’s scowl deepened and Inej cast her a sympathetic look. “We need more water.”

“No, we don’t,” Kaz cut in. “I’m fine.”

“Kaz, you just told me you weren’t,” Inej sighed and got a glare in return. He tried to suppress a shiver and failed miserably. “Nina, will you watch him while I get water?”

“No, go away.” Kaz struggled to sit up. “You can’t be here.”

Nina rolled her eyes and huffed. “Rude.”

“Why can’t Nina be here?” Inej asked once they were alone. “You let me stay, and Wylan came in yesterday morning for a while. I know you like being around her.”

Kaz frowned. “She’s around Matthias all the time. It would be bad if he got sick when he’s hurt. Wylan won’t be hanging off his arm or anything, and I like it when you’re here. You’re quiet.” With a huge yawn, he settled down and fell asleep again.

Inej stared at his, stunned. Kaz was never concerned about any of the Dregs, let alone Matthias. _Not outwardly_ , she thought. _Who knows what’s going on in that head of his?_

 _I like it when you’re here_. That almost sounded like genuine affection. Inej left the room as silently as she could, careful not to wake the sleeping boy. “Is there water in here?” Wylan jumped as she came up behind him at the kitchen table and nearly dropped his sandwich.

“Ghezen, Inej. Yeah, there’s some by the cupboard. Do you want a sandwich?”

“Yes, please.” Inej hopped up on the countertop and swung her legs as Wylan spread butter on two bread slices.

“How’s Kaz?” Wylan asked, slicing some cheese. “I haven’t heard a lot of coughing today.”

“He’s rude, is what he is,” Nina piped in from the sofa, catching a toffee in her mouth.

Inej slid down and joined her, catching the next toffee as it fell. “He’s worried.”

“Oh, please. ‘You can’t be here’,” she mimicked. “Sounds real worried to me.”

“He’s worried you’ll get Matthias sick, since he’s still hurt.” Inej would have been worried about ruining Kaz’s reputation if she was speaking to anyone but Nina.

The corners of Nina’s mouth turned down and she bit her lip. “Inej, I called him rude! The one time he’s actually nice…”

“You’ve said worse,” Wylan offered as he handed Inej her sandwich.

“I know, but he was being decent!” Nina moaned, thumping the back of her head on the armrest. “I’m a terrible friend.”

“No, you’re not.” Inej patted her hand and took another toffee. “In your defense, Kaz is often…blunt. It was a fair assumption.”

“Do you want me to take the water to Kaz’s room?” Wylan asked. “You should take a break.”

He was probably right; Inej hadn’t left Kaz’s side in hours. Besides, he didn’t watch over her after Oomen stabbed her, so it wasn’t like she owed him anything.

 _I like it when you’re here_.

“That’s alright, Wylan.” She stood and took her bowl to the water bucket. “Thank you for the sandwich.” As she walked back down the hall with the water in her hands and her sandwich between her teeth like a pirate’s knife, she told herself she was only staying to be a good friend. Just like Nina.

\----------------------------

The delirium started on the fourth day, and it broke Inej’s heart. She had been sleeping in the room Jesper and Wylan always left available for her when Jesper gently shook her awake, looking strangely solemn. “He’s asking for you.”

The guest bedroom was dark but for a few oil lamps on the nightstand and the dresser. “Kaz? What’s wrong?”

Jesper lingered in the doorway as Inej padded to the bed. Kaz was waxen in the orange light and his deep brown eyes were glassy and dull when he looked toward her. “Inej?”

“I’m here. Jes came and said you wanted to see me.” She cast a quick glance at Jesper, who was wringing a damp cloth between his hands.

Kaz frowned, but it was the look of a confused teenager rather than his I’m-going-to-kill-you scowl. “You left.”

“Yes, I went to bed. Jesper said he would stay with you tonight.”

“No, you—you _left_ ,” Kaz insisted. “On your ship. You went to stop the slavers. It had big white sails and a red flag on the crows’ nest.” He smiled to himself. “Huh. Crows’ nest.”

“Kaz, I don’t have a ship.” Jesper came up behind her and handed her the cloth, keeping one hand steadily on her shoulder. “I told you about that a long time ago; I’m surprised you remember.”

“It’s important to you,” Kaz muttered. His eyes slipped closed as she dipped the rag in water and pressed it along his forehead and cheeks. He was still burning up. “How could I forget?”

Jesper inhaled sharply and his grip tightened. Inej froze, then stood up on wobbly legs. “I’m going back to bed now. Jes, keep an eye out?”

It was hard to fall asleep after that. Twice now, Kaz had astonished her by saying something sweet as if it was no big deal. Kaz, who told her she was a ‘valuable investment’ as she bled out in his arms. Inej shook her head and rolled over. No. Kaz was sick and delirious; there was no way she could take his words too seriously. _But I want to_ , she thought, gripping the side of her pillow. _It’s ridiculous, but I want to believe him_.

In the morning, Inej woke up to good news and bad news. The good news was that Kaz was unlikely to say anything world-shattering to her; the bad news was that he was completely out of it. His condition had worsened, and Nina was acting as the in-house medik as best she could despite the risk to Matthias’ health. It was too dangerous to bring an actual medik into the mansion—if word of Kaz’s illness spread, the Dregs would be in shambles by late afternoon.

Kaz was sleeping less and his eyes were bright with fever against the gray tint to his skin. His coughing had abated, but he breathed so shallowly that every breath rattled. Jesper, Wylan, and Inej were supposed to have equal rotations with Nina while Matthias stayed far away, but the anxiety from leaving the sick room for too long was nearly unbearable for Inej. Worry ached in her bones and she began to pray at the beginning of each hour.

 _Sankt Vladmir, heal him. Sankta Lizbeta, lend him strength. Sankt Peter, let him breathe. Sankta Aline, bring him back to me_.

“Inej?” Nina looked over with red-rimmed eyes. She had barely slept in the last day and was clearly at her limit, even with the boost from using her Grisha gifts. “Can you keep an eye on him while I take a nap? My power can only do so much.”

Inej nodded silently, not trusting her voice, and slid off the dresser. Instead of taking Nina’s chair, she sat at the edge of Kaz’s bed, channeling all of her Wraith skill to avoid jostling him. Asleep, he was not Dirtyhands, the Bastard of the Barrel; he was simply Kaz, a boy who had caught lung fever in the spring rain. Inej wondered if he had looked like this before—before _whatever_ happened to destroy his life. Tucked beneath three blankets, dozing and vulnerable, she couldn’t believe he had been born a criminal.

Kaz’s breath caught in his throat and Inej snapped back to reality. At some point in her daydreaming she had reached out and begun brushing Kaz’s hair out of his eyes. Even subconsciously, she had been careful not to touch his skin.

“Listen to me, Kaz Brekker.” Her voice was quiet, but she forced down the fear and summoned her steel courage. “You are _not_ going to die here. I won’t let you. Don’t you dare give in.”

Kaz mumbled under his breath, but his eyes did not open. Inej felt her lip tremble and inhaled deeply, reciting her prayers in her head and touching the top of each knife as she did so. They sat together until she heard Nina’s footsteps in the hall and slipped back onto the dresser, running a hand down her face.

“Thanks, love,” Nina yawned and sat heavily in her chair. She flexed her fingers over Kaz’s chest and frowned.

All of Inej’s blood drained to her feet. “What’s wrong?”

“That’s…odd.”

“ _Nina_. Do we need to call an actual medik?”

“No, he’s—he’s doing better?” Nina sounded puzzled as she hovered over Kaz. “His heart is stronger and his circulation is more consistent. I can’t imagine what happened in twenty minutes—”

“I talked to him.”

“About what?”

“I told him he wasn’t allowed to die like this.” Inej shook her head. “But he was asleep?”

“I knew healers back at the Little Palace who said talking to sick people can make a difference. That even though they can’t hear you, the sound of a familiar voice helps. By all means, keep talking.”

Inej settled on the floor and rested her head against Nina’s thigh. Nina kept one hand over Kaz and the other on Inej’s head, smoothing down the flyaway hairs from her braid. “What should I say?”

“Anything works.”

Inej thought for a moment. “When I was eleven, my family decided to mix up our act. I had only done simple tightropes before—mostly walking, with some tumbling—but I begged my parents for a chance for ore risk. After two days of bothering them, my mother and I made a headdress of roses that I would wear. It was so difficult to balance on the wire, but Saints, it was beautiful.” Inej smiled to herself at the memory. “I had to go out and pick all the flowers and my mother showed me how to avoid the thorns. I felt like Sankta Lizbeta when I wore it, with the petals falling all around me.”

“That’s wonderful, Inej.” Nina sounded a little choked up. “The only time I’ve seen you on a high wire was at Sweet Reef, and you certainly didn’t have roses then.”

“No,” Inej said softly. “I had knives. Someday, I’ll put on a show just for the five of you.”

“I think he’s waking up.”

There was a shaky breath from the bed as Kaz blinked sleepily, tilting his head to look at them. “Where am I? Who’re you?”

“We’re your friends, Kaz,” Nina said soothingly. “This is our house.”

“I don’t have friends,” Kaz said, more confused than anything else. “Are you Jordie’s friends?”

“…no?” Nina glanced down at Inej. “Who’s Jordie?”

“He’s my older brother.”

“Nina,” Inej tugged her sleeve. “Remember the clock tower? When Jesper and Kaz were fighting?”

 _Who the hell is Jordie?_ Jesper had asked. Kaz’s next step had stumbled and fear had flashed over his face. Nina’s eyes widened and she turned back to the bed.

“Jordie promised he’d get me hot chocolate, but I think he was lying. Da’s money is running out really fast.”

Inej squeezed Nina’s hand. “Where is your Da? Does he work in Ketterdam?”

“He’s dead. Plow ran him over. Jordie and I sold the farm and moved here ‘cause we’re not old enough to run it.”

 _The farm?_ Nina mouthed incredulously. Inej tilted her head toward the door and stood up. “We’ll be right back, Kaz. There’s water on the table if you’re thirsty.”

“Well, that was a shock,” Nina muttered as they hurried down the hall. “Who would have thought our Kaz was a farm boy? Or that he has a brother, for that matter.”

“Had.”

“Hmm?”

“He _had_ a brother.” Inej had a sinking feeling. “Nine, I think his brother died in the Queen’s Lady Plague. There was outbreak a few years ago and a third of the city died. That would explain how Kaz knew about the sirens and what it looked like.”

“That’s awful,” Nina said as they entered the kitchen. “He looked so…not Kaz. He doesn’t sound normal, either.”

Inej nodded. Whenever Kaz got really excited or when she caught him falling asleep at his desk, his vowels would soften and his words would stretch out. She had thought it was just another one of Kaz’s quirks, but it must have been the remnants of an accent.

“Is everything alright?” Matthias asked from the far end of the room. It was still odd to see him without his usual white-blond hair and blue eyes; Inej always felt like there was an intruder in the room with them.

“Kaz is awake.” All three boys stood, but Nina blocked the doorway before they could crowd into the room. “He doesn’t know where he is or who we are. Just… be careful. He’s pretty docile right now.” Nina frowned. “Kaz Brekker. Docile. Never thought I’d say that.”

“My name’s not Kaz Brekker,” a muffled voice protested from the bedroom. Nina winced and resumed her post in her chair as a painful coughing fit drew them all inside. Kaz was curled on his side, struggling to take a breath.

 _He’s going to choke_ , Inej thought as another hacking cough shuddered his shoulders. “Kaz, I’m going to have to touch you,” she warned, wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulling him into a sitting position so he could cough without drowning in phlegm.

Kaz didn’t flinch at the contact, even as Inej rubbed his back through the following shaky breaths. He was feverishly warm and kind of sweaty, but Inej was more focused on the fact that he had leaned his head on her shoulder and pressed close to her side. The others stared at them in silence as she patted his shoulder.

“What do you mean your name’s not Kaz Brekker?” Nina asked after a moment.

“It’s Rietveld. Kaz Rietveld.” Kaz opened his eyes as Inej helped him lay down again, then frowned at the doorway. “Jordie? When did you get here? Why are you hurt?”

Jesper nudged Matthias forward and he cleared his throat. “Uh, just a couple minutes ago. You should probably go back to sleep.”

“You promised to bring back hot chocolate.”

“Did I really?” Matthias asked, casting a panicked look at Nina. If Kaz wasn’t deliriously sick and hallucinating his dead brother, Matthias’ discomfort would have been hilarious.

“Yeah, you did.” Kaz propped himself up against the headboard and squinted. “You’re different. Taller.”

“I, uh, ate my vegetables.” Jesper barely stifled a snort as Matthias shuffled forward.

“Liar. You always gave your vegetables to the pigs when Da wasn’t looking.” Kaz winced. “My head hurts.”

“Get some rest,” Inej said. “You’ll feel better soon.”

She smiled down at Kaz and, to her true shock, he smiled back. It was relaxed and open in a way she never thought he could look. There was a rustling behind her as the boys started to leave and Kaz’s happiness faded. “Wait! Jordie, don’t leave.”

 _Who is Jordie?_ Matthias mouthed to Inej as he pulled another chair over and sat next to Nina.

 _His brother_ , she answered.

“I had a weird dream,” Kaz said, quieter and sadder than he had been before as he looked at Matthias with unfocused eyes. The fever was obviously still coursing through him with a fury. “We were sleeping under a bridge and you got sick. I did, too, but you were so much worse. We both got taken to the Reaper’s Barge when you died and I had to swim back.”

“Really?” Matthias gripped the edges of his blanket.

“Mhmm. It was a long dream. I had friends in it.” Kaz smiled softly. “Jesper was a lot like you, smart and funny. Wylan made fireworks. Nina was a Grisha and we were really close, and Inej—Inej was an acrobat. She could do anything. I don’t think Matthias and I got along very well, but something happened to him and I was worried. He was still my friend.”

“They sound really nice, Kaz,” Mathias said, swallowing thickly. Jesper sniffled behind Inej and Nina was holding her hand tight.

“They were.” Without another word, Kaz slipped back into a deep sleep.

“Do you think that was true?” Nina asked after a few seconds. “About the Reaper’s Barge?”

“I think so,” Inej admitted. “We can’t tell him he talked about it once he’s better, though. Reliving that wouldn’t…” She trailed off, unsure of what to say. The others murmured their agreement.

By three in the afternoon, Kaz’s fever broke.

By five, he could sit up by himself and recognized them all.

By five-thirty, Inej was ready to smack his over the head to make him stay in bed.

“I’m telling you, I feel fine now,” Kaz grumbled as Inej glared at him and sharpened her knives. His accent was almost gone again, unfortunately. Inej thought it was rather endearing.

“And I’m telling _you_ , you need to rest.” She could feel her infinite patience waning. “You were delirious this morning. Drink your water and lay down.”

“I was delirious?” Kaz’s expression immediately turned guarded. “What did I say?”

“You talked about hot chocolate a lot.”

“And?”

“And you remembered my ship. The one I want to catch slavers in.”

It hadn’t been her intention to admit that, but it seemed to placate him for a moment. “Of course I remembered, it’s barely been a month since we talked about it.”

“You said you remembered it because it was important to me.” Inej looked up from her knives and Kaz’s shoulders tensed in the way they often did when he was searching for an indifferent response. “It’s fine. You were sick and—”

“Did you stay with me the whole time?”

Inej blinked, taken aback. “Not the whole time. Jesper and Wylan rotated in and out for me, and Nina monitored your vitals when things got bad.”

“But you did stay with me.” Kaz’s eyes weren’t soft when he looked at her, but they weren’t stony, either.

“I did.”

“Why?”

Inej threw her hands in the air. “I don’t know, you needed _someone_ to look after you so you didn’t die in your sleep. Jes and Wylan are still sifting through paperwork, Matthias is hurt, and you didn’t want Nina anywhere near you.”

 _I like it when you’re here_.

“There’s something you’re not telling me. Something important. You’re an excellent liar, Wraith, but I told you something while I was sick.”

“You’re still sick.”

“ _Inej_.”

“You thought Matthias was Jordie, and that the rest of us were just a dream.”

From the look on Kaz’s face, Inej may as well have slapped him. “So I talked about Jordie?”

“Yeah. You said he was your brother, and that you came here from a farm.” Inej waited for a moment as her question burned in her mouth. “Kaz, did Jordie die in the Queen’s Lady Plague?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was our own fault.” His face was a mask of stone, but his hands shook where he white-knuckled the sheets.

“Kaz—”

“Ghezen, Wraith, do you want my whole life story?” he snapped, cold as the winter wind.

Inej sighed. “You don’t owe me anything, especially not your life story. I’m sorry I asked. Do you want some food?”

“I’ll get it myself.”

“Fine.” _If you pass you, I’m not catching you_. Kaz Brekker—Kaz Rietveld?—was a piece of work and beyond infuriating, but Inej was glad to see him up and moving on his own. _Thank you, Saints_.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Jesper said around a mouthful of toast when Kaz entered a few minutes later, fully dressed and tugging his gloves on. “How are you feeling?”

“It’s nearly six in the evening, Jesper.” Matthias didn’t look up from his book and Inej saw how Kaz gave him a wide berth.

“I feel great, and I’d appreciate it if people stopped asking,” Kaz grumbled. “I’m surrounded by mother hens.”

“Cluck, cluck, eat your food.” Nina slid a bowl of soup across the table. Kaz scowled at her, but he wolfed it down in record time. Five days of broth and water had that effect, it seemed.

“Inej and I will head back to the Slat after dinner.” Kaz set his spoon down and looked around. “Anyone care to join us?”

“Who said I’m going with you?” It was a cheap shot, and petty, but Inej was more than a little cranky with Kaz at the moment. Wylan’s eyebrows rose and Jesper leaned slightly away from the table.

“Sorry for assuming,” Kaz said. “You should be back by tomorrow morning, though. We’ve already been away too lo—”

“You almost _died_ , Kaz.” She fought to keep her voice under control, even though she knew it was unreasonable to be angry: Kaz had done and said worse before.

“I ‘almost die’ a lot, if you haven’t noticed.” With a single glance at her, Kaz stood and retrieved his cane.

“This was different and you know it,” Inej bit out. In her periphery, she saw Nina clear the table of plates and duck into the kitchen.

“How? How was this different, Wraith?”

“Don’t call me Wraith if you’re going to act like it means nothing. You didn’t call me that _once_ when you were sick. ‘Inej, don’t go’, ‘Inej, I like it when you’re here’, ‘It’s important to you, how could I forget’.”

“I wasn’t thinking—”

“ _I know_ you weren’t thinking!” Desperation lumped in her throat. He had to understand her. “I know because you thought Matthias was your brother. I know because you leaned on me without acting like I was burning you alive. I know because I stayed with you every single day and prayed to every Saint that you would live.”

Kaz’s mask was cracking at the edges. “I told you that wasn’t necessary.”

A slightly hysterical laugh burst out. “It’s not about _necessary_ , Kaz. I _chose_ to stay with you. I know it wasn’t necessary because you didn’t stay with me for even a second while I was bleeding out on that ship.”

“That was different, Nina was there.”

“I don’t understand how you can act like it’s nothing when you clearly want something!”

“Because I can’t stand seeing you get hurt.” The mask shattered.

Inej faltered. “What?”

“I can’t stand seeing you hurt.” Every word looked like it caused him agony. “On the ship, I stayed away because seeing you dying on a table would have made me abandon the whole job, alright? I call you ‘Wraith’ because the Wraith is untouchable. Inej is not. Every time we get too close, someone gets hurt, and I don’t want it to be you.”

Inej’s heart pounded in her ears as Kaz visibly braced himself for her reaction. “Thank you,” she said at last.

“You’re welcome. Are you coming back to the Slat with me?”

“I’ll catch up with you later. Don’t pass out in the street.” 

“I won’t.” A flicker of a smile touched Kaz’s lips as he slipped out into the night, leaving the house in utter silence.

“Are you okay?” Jesper asked tentatively, setting his hand on her shoulder. “That was…a lot.”

Inej sat down, took a ragged breath, and felt the first few tears slide down her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” she hiccuped as Nine pressed a handkerchief into her palm. Inej hadn’t cried in years, not since her first kill, but she couldn’t hold it down. Five days of fear and desperate prayers after so much chaos had been building up, and now the floodgates were open. “I don’t know why I’m doing this.”

“It’s okay.” Nina rubbed her back in careful circles. “Things have been tense for a while and you just got a lot off your chest.”

“I hate this feeling,” Inej said into the handkerchief. “I don’t cry. I hate crying. I used to hate Kaz a little, but now I don’t and it feels _awful_.”

Nina pulled her close on one side and Jesper sandwiched her on the other, letting her emotions fall all over the place for a few minutes. She had crushed everything relating to Kaz down for ages, every bit of resentment as he pushed her further and further away. There was a strange empty spot where that bundle had been sitting and it didn’t ache as much as it used to. Losing her composure around the others was embarrassing, sure, but that’s what friends were for.

Ten minute after Kaz left, Inej was waving goodbye to the Van Eck mansion with a washed face and a lighter heart. Her eyes would be puffy in the morning, but she would find a good excuse; pollen, maybe, or aftereffects of Dunyasha’s dust. The Wraith was untouchable, after all.

For the first time she could remember, Inej knocked on the window to Kaz’s office before entering. It was only polite—she wouldn’t want him to walk in on her crying in Nina’s arms after he left. Two seconds later, the window opened. “Evening, Inej.”

“Good evening, Kaz. Didn’t pass out in the street?”

“Not even a little. Are you proud?”

“Very. I’m sorry for yelling, but not for what I said.”

A pause. “Me, too.” They settled into their comfortable quiet for a moment longer as Kaz sat at his desk and Inej crouched on the sill, waiting for whatever he was clearly going to say. “You said something back at the mansion.”

“I said lots of things.”

“You said you touched me. I don’t remember that.”

Inej sat down fully on the sill. “I’m not surprised, you were pretty far gone by that point. You were coughing and couldn’t sit up, so I helped you. After that, you put your head on my shoulder.” She tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.

“Thank you.” Kaz shuffled some papers on his desk, then exhaled slowly. “Can I—can we try something?”

“What kind of ‘something’?”

Kaz held up his hands, gloveless and pale in the moonlight. “Will you hold my hands?”

“You’re sure?” Inej searched his face for any true fear beyond the usual discomfort and saw none. Kaz nodded once and held them out, palms up. “Okay.” She reached forward slowly, giving Kaz every opportunity to back out. Finally, she laid her hands gently on top of his and let her thumbs brush along the backs.

Kaz took a sharp breath and a jolt ran through him at the connection, but he did not pull away. His hands were surprisingly warm, with calluses like Inej’s own. His fingertips twitched, then carefully closed over the sides of her own.

“Are you alright?” she asked after a heartbeat. For Kaz, who had nearly collapsed when he touched her rib, this was incredibly important. To her, as well.

“Yeah.” Kaz sounded shocked by his own answer. “Yes, I’m okay.”

Inej ran the pads of her thumbs over the backs of Kaz’s fingers, scanning his expression for any panic. They sat there, Kaz at his desk and Inej in the window, for nearly five minutes. After the initial contact, Kaz didn’t shiver once.

Seeing him in the moonlight, looking at their hands in wonder, Inej had a hard time remembering how close to death’s door he had been mere hours before. Her voice had brought him back. Her touch did not burn him. Inej felt untouchable.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I've loved this series for a while and it's hard to believe I've never written fic for it. Kudos and comments mean the world to me!
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr at @wayward-demigod-witch (yes, that’s the actual username. Yes, I regret it sometimes)


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